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Another trigger yesterday, it’s been awhile, but it happens to me sometimes.
The smallest things that can trigger a life event, last night it was driving by my high school at night, in the back where the buses park, the pole lamp was out, just like back in October of 2008. So the dreams came back last night, for the first time in a very long time.
I am in control, I am safe, my wife and child and family are safe, it’s over, those things I keep reminding myself to cope. Then, it passes, until the next trigger.
This is my story, things like this are not supposed to happen to a normal family living in the Midwest, in a small rural area, but they did, and they do.
I was a popular kid, freshman in high school, my talent was sports, football, from the first practice at the school, I was good, the coach knew it, had me practice with jv, I was quarterback on the freshman team, I had a great season that first year, I made the papers, everyone knew who I was. I guess because I had lost my father in March of 2008, this was my motivation to keep on moving as he would have wanted me too. I was moving ahead, with the rest of my family, not much of a social life, school, football, then home to help mom and my sister Mandy with the rest of the family, I was 14, Mandy was 12, Brandon 10, Dylan 9, and Jakob 5.
Everything about my life was great, and I was totally happy.
Then it started, first the gifts.
The first gift came to the house with a nice card that said “congratulations Ryan, I am so proud of you, you are my star of the game”. In side a nice box was a brand new leather jacket, a gold necklace, and bottle of cologne. At first I thought it was mom or my grandparents, which they denied, but I blew it off thinking “yea right, they just want to be secretive and surprise me“.
2 weeks later after a game win, another box arrived, this time inside was a $50 bill with a card that said “I am so proud of you my boy”. This time my mom acted concerned, but really did not show it to me, or my siblings, Same handwriting on the card, my mom called my Aunts, no one had sent it. At this time I was not concerned, hell I will take $50 no matter who it came from and a leather jacket.
A month went by and another box came, inside were photo’s of our home, me walking out of he school to get into the car with mom after practice, and one of me eating pizza after a game one night with friends at a pizzeria we go to, a note in the box said “you better keep being a good boy, I am watching you”.
This freaked me out, as it did my mom, she contacted the police, who I think sort of did not act concerned, but because of the pictures, this was the first time I was thinking “who is this?”. I even had a sleepover with 8 of my closest friends and some guys from the team and said “ok guys give it up, who ever sent this, its over, you had ur fun”. I knew after I said it none of them had sent these gifts, or the photos.
Close to the end of the football season, I was leaving practice one night, walking out the back door of the school, where the buses park, it was dark and I saw thay had a light out on the pole, I sorta laughed thinking “well Isee our custodial staff is working hard as usual”. I was waiting for my grandfather to get me as my mom got called into do surgery. I was alone but not worried, hell I am at my school, and I am quarterback who would bother me right? While I was out there, I sat on the side of a bench, and heard someone walk up about 10 yards away, could not see t hem but they said “Ryan, hello” I got up and looked that way and they said “SIT DOWN, NOW, be a good son, and when I tell you too, I want you to walk slowly backwards towards me, and get into a car I got about 15 feet from where I am at”. The voice was a woman, not my mom, or grandmother, I sat there and said “look whoever you are, I do not take candy from strangers or get into cars with people I do no know, so get lost, besides you are on school property”. I was scared, but tried not to show it in my voice. She said “Oh a little defensive, I like that, but I can wear you down Ryan my sweet little blond boy, now I will tell you only once, get up and start walking b backwards towards the sound of my voice, and if you do not, I will incapacitate you and drag you 15 feet to the car and you will be in the trunk instead of the back seat”.
Not sure if it was instinct or what it was, but only thing I could think of was fight or flight, not knowing what she meant by incapacitate me I decided to take the flight, hot up and ran like hell to the other end of the school, with long legs I could run like a deer, I jumped over a small propane tank , off the school property and ran an entire block until I stopped, saw no one following me, went to a friends house named Levi, where his parents called me mom and the police.
Not much went on after that, and in the spring of 2009 I almost put it behind me, after all I girls I was starting to see as actual human beings, and new hormonal urges kicked in. In March of 2009, a bulk envelope came to the house for me, inside were more photo’s, this time of Brandon, Mandy, Dylan, and Jakob, at our house, at school, walking at the park, and some of me playing basketball with my friends. And a note, it said “the next time I come for you, you will come with me son, because if its at the house, I will take care of anyone who stands in my way, you belong to me, and you WILL accept that”.
I sat down and totally cried my eyes out, I can not deal with this I kept telling my mom, she said “yes we will deal with this”. Again the police were called, I met with them, and some profiler guy, and things were quiet until the first week in April when we got a call from the sheriffs department that said they had staked out hour house, and this woman was a half mile from our home, and in her car was duct tape, a gun, and handcuffs. She was sent to a hospital and confined to a mental institution in Illinois where she has been since February of this year 2015.
No contact with me, and she is pretty much off the grid, she was charged but charges were held while she had treatment, but when she was released they had not filed the charges before her release date.
Why do I tell you this, well for one thing when you ask me why I do not cam, or why I am so secretive of certain things, it has to do with safety, mine and those that I love.
Also to stress that no matter what life gives you, be a fighter, a survivor, do not go down without a fight.,
The smallest things that can trigger a life event, last night it was driving by my high school at night, in the back where the buses park, the pole lamp was out, just like back in October of 2008. So the dreams came back last night, for the first time in a very long time.
I am in control, I am safe, my wife and child and family are safe, it’s over, those things I keep reminding myself to cope. Then, it passes, until the next trigger.
This is my story, things like this are not supposed to happen to a normal family living in the Midwest, in a small rural area, but they did, and they do.
I was a popular kid, freshman in high school, my talent was sports, football, from the first practice at the school, I was good, the coach knew it, had me practice with jv, I was quarterback on the freshman team, I had a great season that first year, I made the papers, everyone knew who I was. I guess because I had lost my father in March of 2008, this was my motivation to keep on moving as he would have wanted me too. I was moving ahead, with the rest of my family, not much of a social life, school, football, then home to help mom and my sister Mandy with the rest of the family, I was 14, Mandy was 12, Brandon 10, Dylan 9, and Jakob 5.
Everything about my life was great, and I was totally happy.
Then it started, first the gifts.
The first gift came to the house with a nice card that said “congratulations Ryan, I am so proud of you, you are my star of the game”. In side a nice box was a brand new leather jacket, a gold necklace, and bottle of cologne. At first I thought it was mom or my grandparents, which they denied, but I blew it off thinking “yea right, they just want to be secretive and surprise me“.
2 weeks later after a game win, another box arrived, this time inside was a $50 bill with a card that said “I am so proud of you my boy”. This time my mom acted concerned, but really did not show it to me, or my siblings, Same handwriting on the card, my mom called my Aunts, no one had sent it. At this time I was not concerned, hell I will take $50 no matter who it came from and a leather jacket.
A month went by and another box came, inside were photo’s of our home, me walking out of he school to get into the car with mom after practice, and one of me eating pizza after a game one night with friends at a pizzeria we go to, a note in the box said “you better keep being a good boy, I am watching you”.
This freaked me out, as it did my mom, she contacted the police, who I think sort of did not act concerned, but because of the pictures, this was the first time I was thinking “who is this?”. I even had a sleepover with 8 of my closest friends and some guys from the team and said “ok guys give it up, who ever sent this, its over, you had ur fun”. I knew after I said it none of them had sent these gifts, or the photos.
Close to the end of the football season, I was leaving practice one night, walking out the back door of the school, where the buses park, it was dark and I saw thay had a light out on the pole, I sorta laughed thinking “well Isee our custodial staff is working hard as usual”. I was waiting for my grandfather to get me as my mom got called into do surgery. I was alone but not worried, hell I am at my school, and I am quarterback who would bother me right? While I was out there, I sat on the side of a bench, and heard someone walk up about 10 yards away, could not see t hem but they said “Ryan, hello” I got up and looked that way and they said “SIT DOWN, NOW, be a good son, and when I tell you too, I want you to walk slowly backwards towards me, and get into a car I got about 15 feet from where I am at”. The voice was a woman, not my mom, or grandmother, I sat there and said “look whoever you are, I do not take candy from strangers or get into cars with people I do no know, so get lost, besides you are on school property”. I was scared, but tried not to show it in my voice. She said “Oh a little defensive, I like that, but I can wear you down Ryan my sweet little blond boy, now I will tell you only once, get up and start walking b backwards towards the sound of my voice, and if you do not, I will incapacitate you and drag you 15 feet to the car and you will be in the trunk instead of the back seat”.
Not sure if it was instinct or what it was, but only thing I could think of was fight or flight, not knowing what she meant by incapacitate me I decided to take the flight, hot up and ran like hell to the other end of the school, with long legs I could run like a deer, I jumped over a small propane tank , off the school property and ran an entire block until I stopped, saw no one following me, went to a friends house named Levi, where his parents called me mom and the police.
Not much went on after that, and in the spring of 2009 I almost put it behind me, after all I girls I was starting to see as actual human beings, and new hormonal urges kicked in. In March of 2009, a bulk envelope came to the house for me, inside were more photo’s, this time of Brandon, Mandy, Dylan, and Jakob, at our house, at school, walking at the park, and some of me playing basketball with my friends. And a note, it said “the next time I come for you, you will come with me son, because if its at the house, I will take care of anyone who stands in my way, you belong to me, and you WILL accept that”.
I sat down and totally cried my eyes out, I can not deal with this I kept telling my mom, she said “yes we will deal with this”. Again the police were called, I met with them, and some profiler guy, and things were quiet until the first week in April when we got a call from the sheriffs department that said they had staked out hour house, and this woman was a half mile from our home, and in her car was duct tape, a gun, and handcuffs. She was sent to a hospital and confined to a mental institution in Illinois where she has been since February of this year 2015.
No contact with me, and she is pretty much off the grid, she was charged but charges were held while she had treatment, but when she was released they had not filed the charges before her release date.
Why do I tell you this, well for one thing when you ask me why I do not cam, or why I am so secretive of certain things, it has to do with safety, mine and those that I love.
Also to stress that no matter what life gives you, be a fighter, a survivor, do not go down without a fight.,
